The spinster has gained in poverty and humility as of this writing. By now I really ought to know myself well enough to disregard intense desires for new or expanded wardrobes. When I feel overwhelmed by the certainty that I must have a pair of shoes or a color of lipstick or a pair of jeans that looks precisely. like. *this* —what I really want is to be a certain kind of person. What I want is to feel confident and polished and prepared, and instead of doing the work that will yield real gains in confidence, polish, and preparedness, I settle for the image and buy clothing that I think will project that image.
It is not surprising that anyone might want to feel strong, happy, comfortable, and ready for anything life will bring. That seems fairly human to me. What is surprising is that I know when I am at risk for shopping binges of this kind; I know that the feeling will pass within an hour (or a day, tops); I know that the clothes will ultimately disappoint because they can't do the inner, personal, moral work I want them to do. I know this and I do it anyway.
Sometimes I am grateful to myself for such splurges. In a rapid fit of shopping a few months back, I bought some new clothes to accommodate a recent, sudden, surprising bit of weight gain. Instead of squeezing into too-small pants and going about in a lovely coat that no longer flatters, I had clothes that looked quite nice and so I didn't engage in (much) self-shaming for my larger size. On balance, I call that a win.
Sometimes my longing to feel "all set" really does pay off, and I feel delighted and relieved to find just the kind of item I need at just the time I need it.
Too often, however, the clothes that were going to make me look tall and lean and happy and successful turn out to be merely pieces of ill-fitting and unmagical sewn fabric. They end up in bags in corners of my closet until I can donate them. I lose money, time, emotional energy, and a little bit of self-respect.
Still, I think those new boots are going to look pretty rad with the new jeans. Just the right balance of cool with comfortable. I hope.
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